Just this year for my birthday, I watched the profound movie “The Boy and the Heron”, crafted by director Hayao Miyazaki. In the animated film, we are confronted with the stark contrast of emotions that emerge when we are dealing with grief. It reminded me of my own grief when mourning the loss of my niece’s innocence when my whole family become suddenly aware of her being thrown into a human trafficking operation.

 

While grief and anxiety overtook my emotional well-being for four whole years, I turned to books that would spiritually, emotionally and scientifically explain what I was going through.  One such resource I turned to was the talks, lectures and books by Dr. Joe Dispenza. Joe talks a lot about the psychological effects of prolonged grief and sadness in his book “Becoming Supernatural”. And I can say from first-hand experience, that the contents and stories with perspectives provided in the reading, changed my life profoundly many years ago when I picked it up. And again my life feels a little more changed, for the better, after watching the recent 2023 animated film has continued to help me reframe my thoughts when thinking about grief. And it helps that I’m no longer now in a stress-induced state as my family situation is happily over.

 

Here’s “why”, in a very gentle way, “The Boy and the Heron” brought me back to the most emotional moments in my life, and allowed me to think differently about my prior grieving circumstances. I was surrounded by loving people despite the horrible things that were happening to a family member. Similarly, in the animated movie, a young boy Mahito lives with his loving father and step-mother shortly after his biological mother dies in a fire during WWII. The place he moves to appears to be a world of nature and tranquility as his new home is surrounded by woods and a pond with a magical bird, a talking heron, which tries to communicate with him. In contrast, during my grieving period of my life, I was living with my family in a wooded area with nature and deer that would often come to our front door. As beautiful as it was, nothing beautiful or “positive” could be observed during my time of grief.

 

In the movie, Mahito’s new home environment if full of old grandmothers who act younger than him in spirit as they are a lively bunch and always smiling. This is a stark contrast with the young boy that wants to be alone, and as portrayed in the first ten minutes of the film, he is often by himself in rooms with a stoic and frozen look on his face.

 

The inability to effectively express myself was how I felt when processing my own trauma. I was often frozen from thinking about everything, and feeling everything, at the same time. I was also wondering how I could be a better aunt and protect my niece. During our grieving process, we often blame ourselves for not “being better” in the sad situation. While reflection is good, obsessive thinking in a self-damaging way is not. During my family’s traumatic situation, I was always trying to figure out ways to get help for my family and get law enforcement to pay attention to my family’s case.

 

Initially my family didn’t have anyone in law enforcement care about my niece’s case, that could make meaningful change in her human trafficking situation. This was disturbing any semblance of what I could call “peace” left in my human psyche. Similarly, Mojito in the animated movie was figuring out a way to get rid of the pesky heron that wouldn’t leave him in peace, as it would constantly peck at his bedroom window. Symbolic of grief, often paired with anxiety, looking for you even when you don’t want it to “come in”. It’s important to note that the behaviors and actions within each person that follows during the grieving process are not expressed the same in everyone.

 

Losing someone you care about, including their innocence and their mind, can practically cause your world as you know it to crumble. In the case of death, you miss the deceased individual and wish they were still alive. You might feel depressed, alone, or even angry. You might have difficulty concentrating or sleeping. If you were the busy caretaker, you may feel bewildered when confronted with a large amount of unplanned time. These feelings are natural. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. Scientists have been researching how humans process sorrow and learning more about healthy methods to cope with loss.

 

The death of a loved one can change how you feel, act, and think. These reactions are collectively referred to as grief. It is a natural reaction to loss. Grieving does not require you to experience specific feelings. People can grieve in many different ways (Connor, 2017).

Cultural ideas and customs can impact how people express their sadness and mourning. For example, some cultures express mourning discreetly and privately. In others, it may be loud and open. Culture influences how long family members are expected to grieve.

 

“People often believe they should feel a certain way,” says Dr. Wendy Lichtenthal, a Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center psychologist. “But such ‘shoulds’ can lead to feeling badly about feeling badly. It is critical to give oneself permission to grieve and allow yourself to experience whatever emotions arise. People can be very hard on themselves and judgmental of how they feel. “Be compassionate and kind to yourself.

 

Why Expressing Grief Is Hard?

 

The difficulty in dealing with grief stems from the need to experience and address the emotions that accompany it. Suppressing these sensations will not help you advance through the grieving process. Talking about loss, whether in a professional context like counseling or informally with a friend, is beneficial.

 

Initially, confiding in someone who cares about you and provides a sense of security might help you discuss challenging things without harming your relationships. Connecting with a community of others going through similar grieving experiences can also provide vital assistance. People in grieving understand the depth of your emotions in ways others may not. Try journaling or recording voice notes if you're scared to disclose your feelings.

 

Neglecting the appropriate processing of grief may result in incomplete grief, in which feelings are suppressed or prevented from being fully expressed. Incomplete sadness, while not always visible from the outside, necessitates an outlet for powerful feelings. When not full expressed, this can lead to a state of “dis-ease” in the mind and real disease in the body, as mentioned in Dr. Dispenza’s writings.

 

When grief is suppressed, it can appear physically, causing symptoms such as sickness, stomach problems, nausea, sleep disruptions, muscle tension, exhaustion, headaches, and lack of appetite. To avoid the negative consequences of incomplete grief, frank communication about loss and the grieving process is essential. While discussing such deep emotions may appear overwhelming, it is a natural and vital component in healing (Coping With Grief, 2022).

 

Ways Expressing Grief Can Help

 

Sharing Grief Might Help You Find Support

 

Discussing your loss might help you get assistance when you need it the most. You can figure out who is supportive and soothing in your life and then lean on them. You can join grief groups (online or in person) to meet other people who understand what you are going through. I personally found my “tribe” by joining a reading book this year where all the people enjoy reading Dr. Joe Dispenza’s books. I also do meditation practices that focus on individual “energy centers” or chakras as the Hindu language would call them.

 

While I highly encourage members of the PulseDNA community to speak up, if you feel compelled to share your stories around grief, I also encourage you to find ways that help you  individually feel safe, expressive and heard by loved ones and caring individuals. Build a healthy “brain-heart coherence” while finding a peaceful resolution for your life path if you are still grieving loved ones two, five or even twenty years later. I understand that it is not everyone’s style to openly express their feeling. As an empathic “introvert” I feel sometimes compelled to share my stories. And other times, I feel most content being left completely alone with my thoughts. In the times I feel safest and most protected in my own company, I turn to meaningful gaming experiences.

 

An example that affected my emotional life positively, while I was in a period of wanting to experience my grief alone, was stumbling across a video game. During one of my web searches for “beautiful and symbolic games that help people cope with grief”. That’s pretty much what I typed into Google at the time, I came across a beautiful game called “Gris”. It is a story about a girl who recently lost her mother, the one person that gave her love, care and support in her life.

 

The symbology, contrasted by beauty, in the game is very akin to what I experienced while watching the movie “The Boy and The Heron”. Letting interactive experiences and stories that are similar but not your own, can take you into a suspended state of wonder and curiosity while questioning “what if” around necessary life-shifts rather than staying in the “why me” grieving state. I understand all too personally how easy it is to stay in the “why me” grieving state, but I can also tell you that it is not healthy to stay there for prolonged periods of time.

 

The symbology and natural beauty presented in both the movie and the game have helped me land on the notion that “life is made for the living” and we were made to experience all “the feels”. On a very woo-soon level, I’m talking about experiencing all the colors, smells and touches of emotions and stages of self-inquiry required for us to evolve emotionally in this experience that many modern sages call “earth school”.

 

You can draw on the knowledge and experiences, just like my own, of those who have gone through their grieving journey and absorb what they offer. A sense of community can be incredibly therapeutic (Lpc, 2023b).

 

Expressing Grief Can Make You Feel Less Alone

 

A loss might make you feel lonely. Finding someone to talk to about your sadness can make you feel less alone. Knowing someone is always on your side can be comforting, even if the individual doesn't understand what you're going through. In these cases, it is important to turn to some source or outlet where you feel others can empathize with your loss, grief and pain on a deep level. As grief cuts deep, but also brings out the greatest lessons for growth within all of us.

 

We believe that mourning is a love that deserves a place in your life after losing someone dear. If you're having problems moving forward in your own life, you may want expert assistance. But for today and tomorrow, please do not lose hope. We write articles like to to invite participation and reflection within our greater PulseDNA community.

 

If you are attending university, and studying in the areas of psychology or anthropology, we invite your feedback through the “feedback” button below. Your insights provided will be shared with our greater “decentralized learning” community.

 

Your Friend in Happiness (and in Grief),

 

Stephanie Joyce

Founder, PulseDNA

 

References

 

1. Connor, L. (2017, May 30). 5 reasons why it’s so important for our mental health to discuss grief | London Evening Standard. Evening Standard. https://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/health/prince-harry-5-reasons-why-its-so-important-for-our-mental-health-to-discuss-grief-a3520356.html

 

2. Coping with grief. (2022, July 26). NIH News in Health. https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2017/10/coping-grief

 

3. Lpc, A. R. (2023b, September 23). Benefits of talking about grief | Grief Recovery Center – Grief Recovery Center: Therapists/Counselors near me in Houston, TX. Grief Recovery Center: Therapists/Counselors Near Me in Houston, TX. https://www.griefrecoveryhouston.com/benefits-of-talking-about-grief/

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